It’s me playing Pokémon Go when I’m stuck standing around at work. It’s me watching YouTube with no sound on the couch or in the bathroom at family gatherings. It’s me doom scrolling Facebook when I’m talking to my wife on speaker phone. A lot of it centers around my phone, but it’s all me. Avoiding my emotions. Avoiding myself.
Today I had a therapy appointment that was for the most part par the course, venting about work. That was until the end and my therapist asked me if I was reading something. I was distracted, doom scrolling (on my computer this time though!) during my virtual appointment. I paused, then stammered a denial excuse before admitting yes I was browsing the web. When I get overwhelmed with my emotions I turn to distractions to help get me through it. She thanked me for my honesty and told me that was my avoidance coming into play. It wasn’t just me avoiding the appointment, but the appointment itself was me complaining about work and not that I just had another Thanksgiving without my sister.
And that ****ing stung.
After that appointment I sat their quietly for a while. Cleared my emails instead of clearing my head. And then I looked up emotional avoidance. This manifests in a few forms and coping mechanisms. There’s total avoidance where you completely avoid situations that would cause stress or trigger emotional responses. There’s subtle avoidances, where someone is in an uncomfortable situation but not fully engaged or present. And there’s thought avoidance, where you do things to keep your mind busy or entertained to keep it from drifting into those uncomfortable emotions.
All three of theses fit me to a T. I constantly seek mental stimulation to keep my thoughts at bay, in social situations and in solitude. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started the day saying “I don’t want to go to work today.” But what am I avoiding? Boredom? A lack of fulfillment? The anger and disappointment of others? Fear of failure or inadequacy? Probably all of these, but more often then not I can’t even put my thoughts and emotions to words. I’ve avoided them for so long that I often feel numb to my own emotions, unless the flare up to the surface or they are so massive I become overwhelmed and shut down emotionally anyway.
Avoidance became my coping mechanism, but it also kept me from being present in my own life.
After years of repressing most of my feelings, I feel like I’m a stranger to them. I don’t know how to process them, or plainly what to even do with them So Im taking my therapists advice, and writing through my emotions. I created this blog to do just that, to give my feelings a place of their own if they aren’t welcome in my brain. After todays session I felt crushed, and guilty for disrespecting both her time and my own progress. But though those oppressive thoughts I worked through that mental storm and wrote this very blog post, and I feel a sense of purpose, clarity, and a deeper understanding of myself (imagine that, my therapist was totally right when I actually listen).
Therapy in itself is not the hard work. It’s designed for highlighting the work that needs to be done outside of the sessions, and how one goes about that work is going to be different person to person. You’re not defective for not being able to express yourself, you simply haven’t worked with the tools or skills needed for it. For me, I’m going to try and write though those feelings here in the blog and in my future books.
But how about you? With or without therapy, I hope you work through or even with your own feelings. Try your best every day to be your true self. I know your emotions are waiting for you, just like mine have been waiting for me for many, many years.
References: https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/understanding-emotional-avoidance
https://news.flinders.edu.au/blog/2024/07/18/can-doomscrolling-trigger-an-existential-crisis/